What a Sandy Hook Mother Wants the World to Know Four Years After the Massacre (2024)

Four years ago today, 20 children and six staff members were killed when a gunman stormed Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. It was one of the deadliest school shootings in U.S. history. And it’s the day Nicole Hockley’s life was forever changed: Her 6-year-old son, Dylan, a first-grader, died in the arms of his special-education assistant. Hockley’s elder son, Jake, now 12, survived, but she has said it was the day “he discovered some monsters are real.”

Hockley has since become an example that a mother’s love is a powerful force: Three days after the massacre, together with others who lost loved ones in the shooting, she cofounded Sandy Hook Promise, an organization to prevent gun violence, both through fighting for stricter gun laws and by focusing on mental-health education. It has gone on to educate an estimated 1.5 million students, administrators, and parents through its training programs. Sandy Hook Promise’s new “Know the Signs” campaign, punctuated by a powerful new PSA, “Evan,” teaches adults and children how to recognize the warning signs of a school shooter before violence occurs (more on those signs below).

In the four years since the Sandy Hook tragedy, Hockley has gone from a stay-at-home suburban mother to one of the leading voices in the politically fraught movement for gun reform. She was standing behind President Obama earlier this year when he announced his executive action on guns. She spoke with Vogue.com about her ongoing mission, whether the upcoming Trump administration will impact it, and how she will mark the fourth anniversary of her son’s death.

Sandy Hook Promise is raising awareness about the warning signs of a shooter, or someone contemplating suicide. What are some of those signs?
Some of those signs are excessive bullying and chronic social isolation, that perception, whether it’s real or perceived, of being persecuted by others. Any sort of studying shootings or other harmful activities, or giving away possessions, as in the case of suicide. Certainly any overt threat that is spoken, written, posted, tweeted. That is actually something that we have seen from previous shooters—they put it out there, but no one is taking it seriously. One sign on its own doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is at risk of violence, but if we see several warning signs together, this is about getting help.

If someone is recognizing these signs in their child, or their family member, or someone at school, what should they do?
If you notice it in your own child, first and foremost, have a conversation with them. They might want the help and just not know how to ask for it. If you’ve observed it in someone else’s child, and you’re getting resistance from that child’s parents, don’t just walk away. Too many people think, “Someone else will take care of that.” No, you have to do that. Talk to someone at school, or local law enforcement, or a local mental-health professional.

Sandy Hook Promise focuses a lot of its work on the person behind the gun. We hear the saying all the time: “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” What do you make of that?
I get very disheartened when I hear either side of this argument talk about, “It’s all about the gun, or it’s all about mental health.” No, it’s about both. Let’s talk about how we ensure that only the right people are able to access guns, and, how we can help people before they reach the point of picking up a gun to hurt themselves or someone else. That’s not something you can necessarily legislate for. That’s a social change. Designated drivers are perfect examples of this. There is no law on designated drivers. It’s an attitude and an educational program that has saved hundreds of thousands of lives.

Did you start prioritizing mental health more after you saw how hard it is to pass gun-reform laws in Washington? I know in the immediate aftermath of Newtown, you were on Capitol Hill pushing for federal background checks and an assault-weapons ban, and neither passed.
Those first six months, we were very focused on policy. When background checks failed in April 2013, that was a significant wake-up call for Sandy Hook Promise. We thought that was low-hanging fruit. When we couldn’t even pass that, it was like, “Wow, what is going on here?” That’s when we started researching previous social movements—everything from marriage equality to civil rights. We realized gun-violence prevention has really only focused, lately, on politics—but that usually contributes to 20 percent of change, whereas the more attitude and behavioral pieces contribute to more like 80 percent. We were just doing it a little bit backwards.

What is going on here? Why does that federal legislation fail, in your experience? There are people who say that if Sandy Hook didn’t compel lawmakers to pass gun-safety laws, nothing will.
D.C. is a very bizarre place. There are so many real champions there, and there are so many others who are just concerned with their own careers. You have very powerful lobbying arms who throw around money and misinformation, sometimes downright lies. Why I think background checks failed, is that there were a lot of polls that were saying that everyone wanted background checks—90 percent of Americans, 70 percent of NRA members—but there’s a big difference between responding to a poll and actually calling your congressman. Not enough people were doing that. The people who were against passing background checks are incredibly organized, so you’d be in a senator’s office, and there could be ten calls coming in saying, “Don’t pass this legislation” to every one call that was saying, “Please pass it.” That’s a lesson in itself in terms of engagement.

Obviously, you had a champion in President Obama. What were you thinking that day when you were standing behind him, and he’s announcing the executive order and crying on national TV?
I’ve seen him cry on more than one occasion. This was a very passionate man, who truly was touched, not only as our president, but as a father, and as a person. He was just so compassionate and sympathetic, but truly focused on doing something to make a change. And he has been very frustrated on this issue.

There’s a new president-elect who does not share President Obama’s support for gun reform. There’s a Republican-dominated Congress. How much does that concern you?
The change of presidency doesn’t affect what we’re doing at Sandy Hook Promise because we’re focused on grassroots, community-level educational programs that don’t require policy. President Obama was a very passionate supporter and he struggled to make some of the changes happen, so regardless of who was the next president, the challenges were going to continue. With the new president-elect coming in, I don’t know. We have to have a conversation with his administration. If it means some of the issues have to move a little bit slower, that may be the case, but there’s still a lot we can do at the state level, between policy and ballot initiatives. I don’t get deterred very easily at all because my motivation, my “why” for doing this, is incredibly strong.

What is that “why”?
I have two sons, one who survived Sandy Hook and one who did not. They are both my “why.” My surviving son, Jake, he’s my why I get up every day. He’s my why I’m still here, trying to build a better future for him. For Dylan, this is his legacy. I couldn't save him, but in his name, I hope to save many other children, and many other parents from ever experiencing this loss that I have to live with every day. That is what drives me every single day. I will wholly admit, I’ve chosen a hard path here. I’ve chosen a long path. I’ve chosen a path where I’m constantly re-traumatizing myself. But saving lives in the name of Dylan, and protecting Jake and his future, that is . . . I think that’s all a mother needs.

Sandy Hook Promise says it has helped prevent multiple threats, including a school shooting in Ohio. How do you feel when you hear that?
It gets me every time. I still remember very clearly hearing about the Ohio school shooting, and I had a moment of elation in terms of, “Oh my gosh, this really worked. We just really helped someone who could have done a lot of damage.” Then immediately, I just broke down. I’m getting all worked up right now, because it’s . . . I just wish that these programs had been in place before December 14, 2012, because these are the sort of things that could have prevented the tragedy at Sandy Hook. It could have prevented the loss of my son.

What will the fourth anniversary of Sandy Hook be like for you?
The three of us will be together—my ex-husband, Ian; myself; and Jake. Every day is hard, but . . . the remembrance of the day your child was taken from you is a difficult one. We’re going to go to one of the playgrounds that was created for everyone who died on 12/14. And then we’re just going to stay busy the rest of the day. I don’t want to be focused on the day he died. I want to be focused on the days he lived.

This interview has been edited and condensed.